dedications have all been placed
and i see your resemblance in my face
and on our birthday i’ll set an extra wish for you
for you

dashboard confessional

‘long island is the largest island in the continental u.s.’ are islands continental?

i do enjoy watching a scene in a movie when the power goes out in a city or building- you can hear it. wish my house did that in a thunderstorm

i saw a sign that had written on it, ‘let’s not meet by accident. Mohawk ambulance.’ ok- sure, how about on purpose; i have some premeditated thoughts that will require your assistance by the end.

once it was popular to have ‘fluent in morse code’ on your resume.

what is extra fancy ketchup? is it more than just pureed tomatoes and sugar? does it have chunks of tomato?

i saw a truck that had a sticker in the window that read ‘ford f-250 police package.’ oh really?

 

 

be this sunset one for keeping
this june bug street sings low and lovely
those band-aid children
chased your dog away
she runs, returning, sun still sinking

iron and wine

but in a very friggin funny way. some of you will not find this funny- and that is ok. but some of you will know this is a very billiam thing to do. so… there is this girl that i am not particularly fond of at work, for multiple reasons. i have tried several times to be nice and such- but it just does not work. oil and water, mario and bowser, hydrogen and the hindenberg- you get the picture. everytime i am nice to her something bad happens. she instantly accuses me for every last thing that happens at work, butts into every one of my conversations (typically negatively), complaining that she is hungry “when is lunch?” (the same time as yesterday, oinky), and generally being annoying.

after my monkey prank, which was pure genius, i was sent an inter-company email by her. it said, “i would watch out who you prank- these things always come back 3×3.” i will admit- i do not know what the hell that means, but i do know that she is now top of my prank list- poor little piggy never stood a chance.

so, what did i do? first i replaced her unecissary number of paper clips with push pins. that might not seem significant to you, but it was a giant ordeal for her. then i rummaged through my cubicle neighbor for oinky’s phone number. and then i got to work.

i placed an add on a website to sell her car. i had an amazing back story: i come from a rather well-to-do family. for college they bought me a car. rather recently i began seeing a guy from ecuador, and things are really taking off. so i am off to south america. the big problem is that since carlos, my parents have not been so supportive, we have stopped talking to each other. They have stated that they will no longer help me financially if i decide to stay with carlos, therefore i am selling my car cheap. there is no scratches or dents. serious buyers only- no lookers. $3500.”

well, i left her telephone number instead of an email address. so, since 6 am that morning she was receiving many phone calls. 3×3, get out of here.

there was a new apple store that opened to-day. it was fun to go and see what they had. those new ipod nanaos were really not all too bad. they said that the first one thousand people get shirts- hooray!

only… boo! the shirts were x-large. i am not extra large- and neither were most of the people in there. i was disappointed. fat people get all the cool stuff. special clothing stores, fancy operations, special shoes, suvs, buoyancy, third helpings, whole seat on the bus, stretch marks, exemptions from gym class. and now apple t-shirts. jerks.

flying with sun
pearched in the road
i was at the window sill
they were all there, like i was
moment there
and then gone, like i was
looking for a place to rest

                     ~great lake swimmers

lots has happened.  i have been overcome with new music (the great lake swimmers), office pranks, trip to canada, back to the gym, learning biblical greek, still learning norwegian, pretending to speak swahili, and readying myself to teach a bible study.  so, i have not been lazy per se.

however, canada was fun, only- mr. bibblewick’s was renamed to something not worth remembering, let alone mentioning.  the same with remmy’s.  this year we put up a rope swing- which  was most enjoyable.  i did a few monster sends in croquet, some amazing shots in bocce, and some crazy crocce.  should be rolling out with some nice croquet trading cars with fun poses from my friends.

now to office pranks- too much fun.  i took a lot of pictures of the stolen monkey in the office and emailed them while at work to make my co-worker go nuts as she ran to find the monkey.  poor girl.  but in the end i gave it back.  she has never been to canada- but her monkey has.

and at work we have a new operator.  she is hilarious.  she has the weirdest inflection at the end of her saying that makes it turn either into a question, or a surprise statement.  ‘billy mckinstry, please call the operator (that part like a robot), billy mckinstry, please call the operator (that part like she is either surprised or is asking a question.  i get a good laugh.  and that is when kinery (the co-work directly in front of me) told me that my laugh is scary.  and that when the operator comes on, she was on the other side of the department and she heard me laugh- and people were shocked and were asking who it was, and like a nice girl she said it was the ‘devil laughing billy’.  now imagine ‘devil laughing billy’ in an indian accent- that is funny.

and i suppose that is it- a lot of funny things have been happening at work, but so much so that i cannot hardly remember some of them.  there is this new girl jess, who i refuse to call by her name (i call her newgirl), and i mostly find ways to keep her far from me.  i am just not keen on the way she butts into everyone’s conversation.  and i will end that soon enough.

and… that’s a wrap.

i see an empty finger
void of its long passenger
to whom was it given
shall we e’er see it again

 

 

t de a

i was instructed by lucas to write eight truthful facts about myself. the below i assure you are true. and i do not care if you believe them.

The idea? 8 things about yourself. I’ve got time to kill right now, so why not?

THE RULES

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

fact #1:

i like to read. a lot. but i am a closet nerd. i read mostly books that people have not heard of. and they are typically in the theology section. i enjoy reading books that take time to get the idea. something about working through difficult ideas are fun.

fact #2.

i like to throw my part into a conversation that i am not in. let me explain: yesterday at work this older woman asked aloud to her friends, ‘do you know what i was dreaming of last night?’ naturally i had to join in that conversation with, ‘me!’ people were laughing so hard they were crying. glad i could help.

fact #3.

i have unnatural tendencies. i dislike sunny days and summer. give me winter and clouds. i would rather be alone then with people. though i do enjoy being with people very much so.

fact #4.

i like making people laugh. some people are easier to make laugh then others. i do enjoy find out others sense of humor. my favorite sense of humor is that of my friend matt reed.

fact #5

i pretend a lot. whether i am pretending that i am a transformer, spiderman, harry potter, praying mantis, bill gates, mighty mouse, some bird of prey and stuffed animals.

fact #6

i make fun of mexicans. (actually i am equal opportunity- white people have no exception)

fact #7

i pull a lot of pranks and stunts. mostly for a laugh- even if the only person laughing is me. such as last week i stole stuffed animals (who i used to pretend to be) from my co-worker. currently i take pictures of them and send them to my co-worker from a phony email address.

fact #8

i hate the word ‘ingredients’. why- i am not sure. but i really want to end the conversation i am in when i hear that dreadful word.

so… who shall i tag?

it’s when i see them
sitting on the shelf
all with their fake smiles
stand next to myself

dingy photographs
stare without blinking
but offer no words
only watch me sinking

t de a

i got the chance to go down to philly to see dave and kristine. it has been a while. we had a great time as usual. we went over the pics from their west-ward journey with rew. most of them were quite amazing. some were blurry. and some were of dave’s artistic, or ‘trying to be artistic’ (as he called it) pictures. i feel he did a good job.

then some darts (to which i am sorry to say i was actually rubbish for quite a while) and pints (to which i am sorry to say i am a little better at).

i am writing this while i wait for the train. my last train was cancelled. jerks. so i sit at a closed down coffee shoppe using their internet they never turned off. and now some french people came to sit near me. why? because i am a cool american? no- i think we both agree that sitting with me is better than sitting with the mexicans at the other table. but with the new president of france chowing down on freedom fries with our president- things can only get better.

and what about work, i hear you ask from an isp far, far away. let me think… i have resorted to a new humour- theft. not theft in the traditional sense, these people get their items back. i stole the casters from beneath the chairs of my unsuspecting, though highly suspicious co-workers. i get a good kick out of it. and even more then they swear under there breath as they look for their casters. i usually put four in plain sight, and then hide the fifth wheel.

i have also stolen a few stuffed animals from my cubicle neighbor. she is such a good sport. she does not accuse me (though she should- though i do always have an air-tight alaby) but lets me help her think of the possible suspects. she shares the emails that show her stuffed animals (that i nicked). i take these pictures showing her stuffed animals playing guitar, playing cards, drinking and the occasional sexual positions picture.

there is a new girl now too. she is overly happy and says everything very sweetly. her sweetness is starting to rub off on my cubicle neighbor. all the sweetness is giving me a damn cavity. so- naturally i spoil that like a trip to the dentists. i accuse the new girl of stealing the stuffed animals. she does not have a very good allaby- poor thing.

the last horizons i could see are now resigned to memories
i never thought i’d still be here today…

     gin blossoms

levi and frankie came out to philly side from the pitts side for a surprise shower for tina. sadly i did not get to see frankie. but, i did get to see levi. levi and i have some traditions. one is calling each other after crossing oddly named roads, like hancock. the roads are only oddly named when you think of them differently. and the best part is that you just call, scream the name is a funny voice and hang up.

i know, childish- but could you expect anything less? i cross hancock twice a day- so i could bombard levi with the phone calls- but then he would never answer when i cross another differently oddly named road.

no- tour de force. i know what you are thinking, but no- we do race around on bikes. but instead we try racing with stationary bikes. that’s right! we hoist them up and run. it is much harder than you think.

actually- that is not what we do- though it would be wicked fun. for me anyways. not that i have an unnatural affinity for lifting odd bulky items and running. well, unless i am stealing them. but why would i steal stationary bikes? i dunno either- so let us say that the two i do have were a present and call it quits.

the real tour de force for levi and myself is in the form of alcohol. and it is not for everyone. we usually decided to do it after we are down a pint or two already. we get one pint of beer, followed by one rock glass mostly full of burbon, followed lastly by a glass of wine. then we usually get back to the beer. and good beer- none of that domesticated crap. or that foreign crap that is owned and tastes like the domesticated crap.

and- this concludes the post. because i do not have enough time to type all of the insane things that i do at work. but i will say that hank’s flat tire was of his own doing! and chris started his own prank war, the likes of which resulted in his poor efficiency for a day. and i know- ‘you are terrible’, however, i warned them quite thoroughly that they did not know what they were starting.

good news is that i have a plethora of staplers. can i call that good news?

speaking of good news- i have bad news. apparently my mother might die due to some surgery and i need to be the sole benefactor of a will, to dole out afterwards to my brothers to the terms she is to stipulate in her will. not many 26 year olds do that. one day at a time right? that’s the spirit!

i really enjoy working where i do.  to-day i was officially ‘accepted’ by my co-workers.  first i made the cool sign, to-day i sent a funny email, to the whole department.  i was replying to the mass email sent by my department head inviting everyone in the department to a cool swim party.  this is my reply:

 i am in so long as Tony does not wear that thong he was talking about last week.  only because i want to be the only guy with a thong on.

billy

well, naturally i did not tell anyone about it- but then the roars of laughter came in.  tony- only because of age, should never wear a thong.   not that men need to wear them anyways- regardless of how accepting your culture is of them.   but then i received some great replies:

You mean Kevin & I acctualy have competition now?  (kevin and tony are the office bad ass guys.  boy- they have no clue!  i am still new, it will get much worse.)

Spoken like a true smart ass.   (my department head)

people stopped doing what work they were currently on only to tell tony how they felt about him in a thong.  poor guy.  even worse because i do not really know him all that well.

he tried to get back at me a little later in the day with a zinger.  i took monday off due to a sister’s wedding.  but, instead of asking how it went, tony asked, ‘hey bill, so what did the urologist say the problem was on monday?’  he must have told everyone that he was going to ask me because they all looked at me- so i gave the best answer i could think of.  ‘he said it was the biggest he has seen in quite some time.’

that was followed with more laughter.  just hope the thong shows it.  HA! the sign

maybe i caught you at a bad time.
maybe i should call you back next week.
maybe half the fault was mine that
the sun didnt shine on barrington street.

      ~bnl

and how does this week go you ask?  well… first things first.  at work i am more hilarious then ever.  someone tripped over a step stool that was obviously in the middle of the isle.  this step stool is the kinery (i am not sure how to spell her name), she is about 5 foot minus 2 inches.  her extra tall heels do her no justice when it come to filing on the top drawer.

well, someone with either no vision or poor eye sight tripped over it and filed a complaint against the company filer.  so, a sign went up:

‘hey there, i’m a trip hazard’ (followed by a picture of the stool) ‘put me away when not in use.’

then later that day, someone bumped into a chair that was not in its cubicle.  then i got to work.  i found a picture of the chair on the internet and made my own sign:

‘hey dummy, i’m a trip hazard’ (followed by a picture of the chair) ‘put me away when not in use.’

so, that was fun- and thankfully everyone else thought that was funny too.  i would not like to imagine what would happen in a regular job when you do something that is not deemed funny.  but naturally i am more than willing to take that chance.

then off to the at&t store to get the iphone.  the wait was not long and i got lucky number 4, leaving 3 left for the others.  and it is amazing.

then off to ny for a graduation party where i was wakeboarding.  going home is always such an adventure.  my friend got a jeep, and what do you do with a jeep?  thanks for asking, i will tell you: you go off roading.  what fun.  we went down into a creek and through the mud, then up a 85º embankment hoping not to flip over.  then we picked the cray fish from out of the jeep.  ah- only at home.

then off to pa again- where i was hit by shlomo.  that’s right.  i was tagged in the rear end by a jew.  i know that reads extremely homosexual, but that’s how it happened.  he smashed up the bumper, lights, side panel and under frame.  but, the funniest thing was how shlomo (that is how he introduced himself.  i pick on mexicans but not jews) was taking in the situation.  him and his girlfriend were just waiting for me to freak out, but why should i, it was an accident.  (or at least it better have been).

whew, now i am ready for some sleep.

and sara told the friendly salesman that:
“you’ll all die in your cars,
and why’s it gotta be dark?
and you’re all working in a submarine”

~ben folds

great news!  for some reason, i am not in training at work.  they put me on the ‘floor’ where i do financial things (i am not allowed to disclose- it was in the form i signed).  but since i am not in training- i am doing hands on stuff.  that will make training way more fun.  plus i am meeting the people i will be working with, helping out and such.

now the envy part.  i have a sizable plant hanging from the ceiling on some wires.  everyone else has nothing.  some people have brought in tiny plants or plastic.  who needs a window when i can pretend i am doing office work in some tarzan remake.  too bad i can scream and swing from vines- that my friends would be an awesome job.

to-day while i was scanning and stamping in triplicates, someone said something about some person being gay.  i honestly did not catch the name- but i felt that i would throw out a fun comment.  “that guy- no way.  he may be claustrophobic, but not so claustrophobic that he is ready to come out of the closet.”

later there was an ice-cream party.  woot de la woot.  it was a good day to-day in the office.