i was recently reading how microsoft is to spend millions for advertising.  one statement that really caught my attention was their claim that with apple it is either, ‘the iway or the highway.’  that statement is quite funny to me.  let’s find out why…

microsoft has long claimed that apple is a closed system that forces you do buy everything apple, that users are locked in, forced with no other choice.  really?  let us look at an mp3 player called the ipod.  anyone can own one- even pc users.  the only ‘locked in’ part is attributed to the fact that only itunes can put music on your ipod.  microsoft made many statements letting people know that  you are forced into one apple program.

now what about another mp3 player, the zune.  where as itunes can transfer tracks, movies, photos and notes from your pc or mac to your ipod- this can only be done on a pc with the zune.  who is really locking you in?  the only way to do this on a mac is by getting an intel based mac and installing windows on it.  again- locking  you in, right?  seems a little hypocritical.  

on an intel mac you can choose the os x operating system, xp or vista, or both.  how many microsoft platforms allow you to install another operating system?  oh, that’s right-  none.  does that  mean you are locked in?  apple currently makes safari, itunes and quicktime for pc as a free download, and microsoft makes internet explorer and media player for mac for free too.  more pc users are using itunes then mac users using media player, though.  apple asked micorsoft to work together to put ms office on the mac, however, i do not know of iwork going onto the pc.  who is locking users in?  

it seems that microsoft is ‘allowed’ to lock it’s users in, but when people start changing their minds then it is a no holds bars of untruthful (and hypocritical) statements and doublespeak.  microsoft still has the larger group of followers, not apple.  

i think, though, that the reason people are switching is because of ease.  ms is not hard to use- but it does look a little 1980.  in fact, a friend of mine, a ms computer programer said it is all based on the old system- nothing new.  the .dll folder gets larger and larger.  he said that there is nothing new, just make new things work the old way.  apple tries to make new things and new and better ways to do it.  and vista home selling for $239 at best buy is pricey, and vista ulitmate for $319 is even steeper- and this is after the price drop.  but then you can get mac os X for 139.  there is no home, better home, business, better business and ultimate.  

for me it is ease of use and the simplicity.  i never have to defragment and finder does not look like a joke like explorer does and the slot load optical drive.  and mac must be doing something right, dell is now doing the backlit keys and all in one units.  if they thought that apple was a joke and not worth it- then why are they copying the innovation?

let your legs loll on the lino
’til your sinews spoil.
will you stay here for a while, dear,
’til the radio plays something familiar?
plays something familiar.

~the decemberist

tons of funny things have come up during the democratic nominee elections and caucuses.  i particularly like the sniper fire story.  that is what we need at 3 am right?  if hillary is afraid of fake sniper fire- who the heck knows what she will do when there is a real emergency.  

but then, we need to pay attention to obama’s church leader.  can you really say that you never knew that your pastor was a part of the black church theology?  it just seems a little hard to believe that he never heard anything like that before.

oh, and then back to hillary.  she was quoted as saying that some say that she should have given up because obama is in the lead.  but she said the same exact thing when she was in the lead- that obama should just concede that she has won.  rather funny stuff- in my opinion. 

i have also thought about the way that we live in an oligarchy.  all of these candidates are fairly well off.  if not really well off.  the poorer candidate seems to always loose out.  i also wonder if obama and hillary actually would have both ran for president if we were not in the situation we are in.  it seems that most people i talk to do not want to have another republican president.  apparently they are all george bush and/or dick cheney like.  above the law, if you follow me.  cheney shoots his friend and bush goes to war without the UN.  but democrats want to raise taxes and legalize everything that will make america like all the other countries in the world.  

i agree- pay off the debt that we are in, take a ton of money from cheney’s company and send bush to live with the saudi’s.  but can we not still be america and become great again?  i do not think that letting aliens in easier and paying for the ones we have is worth it.  no- i say, if the mexican triathlon olympians want to show off their might by running/swimming/digging/bounding/what have you, then give them a jersey and send them on their way back.  at the same time tell the money spending spoiled youth of america to get off their lazy asses and work.  i have been to many colleges to know that american students do typically half ass work while at the same time tending to their drinking binge.  most american kids want a decent or great paying job right off the bat without working for it.  

if we want america to be great again- we need to get off our asses.  if people from other countries work their asses off at university to come over here and beat other americans to the good jobs- then so be it.  it is not their fault most americans are ok with sub-par work.  though at the same time- the american government should do its best to lower the cost university.  it is highly annoying to go to a good school and pay a ton of your good salary to pay for it.  though if i paid the taxes that some of the european countries, which helps pay for school, is it worth it?  

found a photo of you when we were married
leaning back on a broken willow tree
that’s one memory that i choose to carry
weary memory i can always see

            ~iron & wine

 

greetings readers.  another month, another hilarious prank.  this one has a small back story, with that in mind allow me to elaborate, elevate, and extenuate.

at my work the heads of this cost cutting company decided to allow a special treat to those of us who repeatedly broke the average amount of jobs in a day with a bribe of $100 per quarter.  naturally this is not for everyone.  instead those who care enough to win $100 need only do slightly above average work for two months and take it easy for one month and since they were above average in their production, their names go into a drawing.  this means, as i am sure you understand- being such wise readers, that even if one person outshines all others in some crazy caffinated, dot for pupils, cannot talk must work- need $100 way, that person is not guaranteed $100, only their name to be borrowed long enough for a drawing for it.

the average job per hour set up by the wonderful hardworking management is 13.  13 jobs x 8 hours = 104 jobs per day.  really simple.  now comes the spirit of competition, an added precurser to my prank- some jobs are worth more.  i show up to work at 11am, third for the department.  and you better believe all of these ’super jobs’ are taken.  so, i instead just grab what i can and set to work- like a good little boy.

being that i work harder then the rest of the whinny sissys in my department- their averages, even with the super jobs are 10 to 15 per hour.  i have about 18-26.  and then came the comment: ‘i guess someone want’s that $100.’

sure, i’ll take $100 before i take candy from a baby, but at $100 per quarter- it is not making or breaking my bank.  and silly comments deserve silly pranks.  the rest of the week i kept saying ridiculous things like, ‘that $100 is as good as mine!’ ‘if i am gonna win $100, i better look like $100!’ ‘$100 in my hand is better than 13 jobs an hour,’  anything to annoy hank, the person of the aforementioned comment.  

after a week of $100 comments he threatened to go to human resources and report me for harrassment.  being that i am not afraid of anything, i decided to make sure he had a better reason to go to human resources then just comments of $100.  that is when i came up with this awesome idea:

well, now you have a face to go with the ridiculous comment.  now, imagine what i can do with $2,000 in funny money.  i will save you the suspense:

and be sure to take note, that i took down his papers, hung some $100s and hung his papers back up.

and icing on the cake…

that day i was called, ‘prank master 8,000,’ which i hope does not stick.  i am not a fan of numbers for names, not since i was ‘42′ in college.  stay tuned- i might be in trouble.  but i get a hearing before any disciplinary action is taken, and there i will use my innocent face to quell the thoughts of punishment.

 

i’m alive and nearly died over you
i thank my lucky stars that i’m still breathing
and are you sure, ’cause i can take some more

~huges and wagner

yes, i have more. much more. i cannot stop. and too bad i get paid while i am pulling them. how many people have a job where you get to pull some weird ass pranks and get paid for it? actually- in whole honesty- i have the highest productivity of everyone in my department at work. which makes me wonder how the other people in my department even have a job. but that’s another story for another time.

for this prank i was told that there was some extra green cheque stock that should be used before anyone went to use the other scrap paper that we have. BIG MISTAKE. especially since my boss just won employee of the year. turns out that was the only day so far that i did not eat my lunch- because i was to busy pranking. here is the aftermath:

there is a car under there, i promise.

i cannot believe i get away with this crap.

no half ass jobs allowed- if you are going to prank- do it right!

and as you can imagine- he came back into the office and looked around at likely suspects. i, naturally was not around- i was hiding in a different department.

should have been home by now
should never have gone
turning the wheel - turn it upside down
you should be free by now
it should have been me.

~hughes and wagner

yes, it has been quite some time. but i am ready to get going on this again. much have happened- especially at work. here’s the low down:

i pull pranks almost everyday at work. everybody finds them hilarious- even when it happens to them. my favorite was the national geographic nudy pics. i had a girl buy me a nudy mag (this is because i do not have any, and would never buy one- mostly because i am a little bashful). i cut out some of the images of nude girls and then put on their heads pictures of animals from national geographic. then i would mail them to a co-worker, because that is something that i would do. i did six total; this one is my favorite:

now, some people would feel frightened to get this in the mail, most would find it odd. i would laugh my butt off, as did the woman who received it. i do have a knack at finding what people find funny.

way to go me, i say, way to go me.

 

 

oh the holly bears a berry as white as the milk
and mary bore jesus all wrapped up in silk
and mary bore jesus our saviour to be
and the first tree in the green wood it was the holly

oh the holly bears a berry as green as the grass
and mary bore jesus who died on the cross
and mary bore jesus our saviour to be
and the first tree in the green wood it was the holly

oh the holly bears a berry as black as the coal
and mary bore jesus who dies for us all
and mary bore jesus our saviour to be
and the first tree in the green wood it was the holly

oh the holly bears a berry as blood as it is red
and we trust in our saviour who rose from the dead
and mary bore jesus our saviour to be
and the first tree in the green wood it was the holly

i am rather proud of myself this time. most of my pranks make me feel that way. this time it was directed at my roommate. and why should it not? just because i live with him is no real exemption. i am like the government- i tax everyone.

well, this year jeff decorated his fake tree. with lights. just lights. it is very dreary and boring and in need of my special help. so, i called upon my friend who is an elementary teacher. after giving her the whole story, she agreed that her students could make Christmas decorations for his tree. awful ones. the kind only a mother could be proud of. the kind that only a mother could hide deep within the tree so that no one could see them.

looks better already. who does not want a tree like this? it says, “hey look at me- someone cared to decorate me,” “i am a charlie brown tree,” “be sure to put me out after i ignite.”

i am sure that the kids worked really hard and concentrated a lot for about one half of 5 minutes while making the decorations. later that evening i had some friends over so that we could make fun of jeff’s tree. he said it was a fire hazard. pshh! what does he know about fire? he’s neither smokey the bear or a fire marshal. even the angel agrees!

to-morrow i am making gingerbread cookies. and plan on giving them away to people. so- i will be making them legless, armless, cannibals, the billy normal. who wouldn’t eat a rudolph with antlers in the mouth of the gingerbread man riding the reindeer? who i ask?

my time is never spent
it is long and full
when that message is sent
you’ll land with the gull

everyone should join me and start up a lawsuit.  see- verizon has phones that are not on any other networks- they should have to put them on other networks!  why should they hoard them?  the chocolate phone should not just be on verizon, or the juke.

really though- if people can start a lawsuit with apple for using only at&t, why not the other way?  i mean- do not get me wrong, i do not give two craps about the junky phones that verizon has- but i am just showing the silliness of retarded lawsuits.

that’s about it really.  just that.  i would not want any of those other plastic crap phones anyway.  and i like going into the verion store to talk smack.  “why would you want an iphone- it takes you seven steps to check your email.”  then i reply with phone in hand, “no, it is a piece of cake- and it is three steps.  and it is really fast.  see… oh come on- you should know that when you talk crap that someone would correct you.”  haha.

the verizon’s voyager which is being talked up like nobody’s business is getting shot down very quickly.  though it comes with some cool stuff.  but it is plastic, who wants that?   this tells you all about it.  and so does this.  well, not really- but you knew that.  ha.

 

 

 

dedications have all been placed
and i see your resemblance in my face
and on our birthday i’ll set an extra wish for you
for you

dashboard confessional

‘long island is the largest island in the continental u.s.’ are islands continental?

i do enjoy watching a scene in a movie when the power goes out in a city or building- you can hear it. wish my house did that in a thunderstorm

i saw a sign that had written on it, ‘let’s not meet by accident. Mohawk ambulance.’ ok- sure, how about on purpose; i have some premeditated thoughts that will require your assistance by the end.

once it was popular to have ‘fluent in morse code’ on your resume.

what is extra fancy ketchup? is it more than just pureed tomatoes and sugar? does it have chunks of tomato?

i saw a truck that had a sticker in the window that read ‘ford f-250 police package.’ oh really?

 

 

be this sunset one for keeping
this june bug street sings low and lovely
those band-aid children
chased your dog away
she runs, returning, sun still sinking

iron and wine

but in a very friggin funny way. some of you will not find this funny- and that is ok. but some of you will know this is a very billiam thing to do. so… there is this girl that i am not particularly fond of at work, for multiple reasons. i have tried several times to be nice and such- but it just does not work. oil and water, mario and bowser, hydrogen and the hindenberg- you get the picture. everytime i am nice to her something bad happens. she instantly accuses me for every last thing that happens at work, butts into every one of my conversations (typically negatively), complaining that she is hungry “when is lunch?” (the same time as yesterday, oinky), and generally being annoying.

after my monkey prank, which was pure genius, i was sent an inter-company email by her. it said, “i would watch out who you prank- these things always come back 3×3.” i will admit- i do not know what the hell that means, but i do know that she is now top of my prank list- poor little piggy never stood a chance.

so, what did i do? first i replaced her unecissary number of paper clips with push pins. that might not seem significant to you, but it was a giant ordeal for her. then i rummaged through my cubicle neighbor for oinky’s phone number. and then i got to work.

i placed an add on a website to sell her car. i had an amazing back story: i come from a rather well-to-do family. for college they bought me a car. rather recently i began seeing a guy from ecuador, and things are really taking off. so i am off to south america. the big problem is that since carlos, my parents have not been so supportive, we have stopped talking to each other. They have stated that they will no longer help me financially if i decide to stay with carlos, therefore i am selling my car cheap. there is no scratches or dents. serious buyers only- no lookers. $3500.”

well, i left her telephone number instead of an email address. so, since 6 am that morning she was receiving many phone calls. 3×3, get out of here.

there was a new apple store that opened to-day. it was fun to go and see what they had. those new ipod nanaos were really not all too bad. they said that the first one thousand people get shirts- hooray!

only… boo! the shirts were x-large. i am not extra large- and neither were most of the people in there. i was disappointed. fat people get all the cool stuff. special clothing stores, fancy operations, special shoes, suvs, buoyancy, third helpings, whole seat on the bus, stretch marks, exemptions from gym class. and now apple t-shirts. jerks.